So it's Sunday the 3rd of February as I write this and I thought it's about time I gave you guys a life update and keep you up to speed with the not-so-exciting happenings in the life of little ol' me. Truth be told I've been putting off getting this post out because the perfectionist in me was waiting to get all my ducks in a row so that I could report some good news or at least something vaguely exciting but hey, life's not perfect so here it goes.
First January 2019 marked my 29th year on this beautiful earth and it was very bitter sweet. I always get very reflective around my birthday and this year wasn't any different. I spent December feeling down and anxious because my work contract was coming to an end with nothing lined up. I'd applied for over 60 roles and had numerous rejection emails. The jobs I did manage to secure interviews for I didn't land so naturally, I was shitting myself.
The thought of being 29, unemployed and living at home with my parents was beginning to tighten around my neck like a noose. I smiled through Christmas, grinned through birthday celebrations and then collapsed into a ball of exhaustion on my birthday and spent much of the day in bed. I wrote my goals for the year and as I wrote them down they seemed more like wishes. Nevertheless, I wrote them anyway and was determined to see them ticked off my list. Happy bloomin' birthday to me!
Just before Christmas me and Marcus had a look at our finances and were finally in the position to start looking at houses. We saved like crazy all through 2018 and it felt so good to finally have enough for a deposit. Our Saturdays were spent viewing houses and gosh did we see an array - the good, the bad and the ugly. We began seeing more houses that we liked and when we were finally discussing putting in an offer we were hit with reality. Marcus was starting a new job in January and I was about to be unemployed. We decided it was in both our best interests to hold off on looking until we were both settled and secure in our new jobs. I cried and sulked even though I knew it was for the best because I felt like we had spent a whole year building up to this moment only to fall at the last hurdle.
Not only did it mean going into 2019 with the dream of a house that little bit further away but it also meant a delay in any wedding plans. The plan was to first get the house, then plan the wedding and then start working on the little baby in a golden car seat in my brand spanking new range rover. I tried to look at the positives nonetheless; Marcus was starting a new job at one of the country's top companies in his field, he was going to be earning more money, I had another stream of income from my blog to depend on and if there was ever an ideal time for me to NOT be in a good position this was probably it. I decided I was going to remain positive and keep applying and interviewing and hopefully I would find a new job before my savings or my sanity ran out.
Naturally, with all the stress and anxiety setting in, my health and my fitness are no where near where they need to be. I'd traded nights at the gym for nights sat in front of my laptop applying or prepping for interviews and consequently eating any and everything. My mental health started getting shaky and my jeans started getting tighter which only made my mental health more shaky and my jeans even tighter - a vicious cycle.
I'm determined to get back on track. Mental health is my first priority and my days now start or end with a prayer and scripture because I find that nothing gets me back on track more than when I connect with God. Eating better is still a very real struggle but I'm relishing in all the progress I'm making big or small. I'm simply taking each day as it comes. I will eventually go back to the gym once I get some structure back into my life and I plan on killing it! But until then I'm just enjoying taking better care of myself mentally and physically in small ways that will hopefully culminate into a big difference.
I worked my last day at Spark44 on Friday the 1st of February and it was a serious mix of emotions. I was glad to be leaving because on one hand I had felt unhappy at work since October but, on the other hand I was petrified of what was to come next. After 8 unsuccessful interviews under my belt, I was getting increasingly frustrated of applying and not getting shortlisted or of landing the interviews but not getting any offers. The icing on top was going through a long and gruelling interview process only to be told "there was no negative feedback or anything in particular" I could have done better and that in the end "they just decided to go for the optimum fit and experience candidate". Like what the hell does that even mean?? I had it up to my eyeballs and was so close to replying to the email with a middle finger emoji, especially after they suggested I apply for another role within the company which was nothing like the one I'd applied for in the first place but I held it together and thanked them for their time, put my big girl panties on and carried on.
In hindsight the jobs I didn't land weren't quite right for me but I applied anyway out of sheer panic and fear of not having a job. I spent a lot of time feeling like shit about not getting them but really and truly I just wasn't a right fit for them and they weren't right for me either and that's just how it goes sometimes. It doesn't mean I wasn't good enough or that I'm not going to find something; it just means it's going to take a little bit more time. Time which I have now to apply for things more suitable and accessible to me because why should I settle? I know what I'm capable of and it just takes the right person to see that. I'm also incredibly lucky that I have my blog as another source of income and I can finally dedicate some serious time to sprucing things up on here and getting out some regular content and falling back in love with this little space of mine. I've neglected it and I've taken it for granted but I'll be sure not to do that again.
I have no idea what the future holds right in this moment but I'm confident that God only has good plans for me and that all my tests will become testimonies. Even writing this post has been so therapeutic and It's really helped me to get some things off my chest like I really wanted to. I feel lighter, I feel hopeful and I feel ready and expectant.
Have a great February and remember that life is a journey of peaks and troughs. Keep going and sooner or later you'll get your breakthrough. We all will. Here's to hoping for a more exciting life update next time.