I’ve just spent the better part of today in tears. It started with me literally breaking down into tears toward the end of my driving lesson and then spending the rest of the afternoon crying whilst talking to my best friend. No I didn’t run anyone over and my driving isn’t great right now but according to my instructor it’s not bad enough to warrant tears either. So why the total (and utterly embarrassing) emotional breakdown. One word; PRESSURE. Not pressure put on me by anyone else’s expectations of me but simply pressure put on me by myself. I’m a high achiever and always have been one and that coupled with a typical Type A personality can sometimes mean that I’m very hard on myself and prone to taking things not “going well” extremely personally. It also doesn’t help that people automatically assume you’ve got your shit together so even when you’re drowning you’re forced to just put this front on and play your part and pretend everything is great.
Don’t get me wrong everything is great and I’m extremely fortunate to have so much going for me. A job I enjoy, a business that’s doing well, friends and family that I love and a fiancée that puts up with more than he should because of my crazy. I just need to realise that more and give myself an occasional pat on the back, especially when I have shit days like today. I’m not perfect and truth is no one expects me to be so it’s okay if I don’t get it right all the time. I don’t need to put all this pressure on myself and should seriously give myself a damn break! I’ve literally driven myself crazy the past few weeks because I’ve just put so much unneeded pressure on myself. I’m trying to juggle a full time job and a business, I m trying to buy a house and plan a wedding and I’m also trying to learn how to drive, go to church regularly, be a good friend and be a good fiancee all while killing myself in the gym trying to get my pre-Zambia body back (damn you eet-sum-mor & Hungarian sausage). Like damn! Seeing all the things I’m trying to do at once listed like this is actually such an eye opener and a reality check. I need to chill and you know what!? I will!
I’m only one person and can’t do everything. I just have to do what I can and realise that I’m on a journey and it’s not all about the finish line. Yes getting there is nice but if I have to get there without my sanity and ultimately feeling like a pile of shit then it’s not really worth it is it? That being said, me and Marcus have decided to postpone our wedding. All planning has ceased and will recommence once we buy our home because trying to do both was just too stressful. Secondly, I’ve also messaged my instructor and profusely apologised for my breakdown and luckily for me he’s gonna let me behind the wheel of his car again. He actually said I was doing very well for how many lessons I’ve had and that has made me feel a lot better (albeit still mortified). Thirdly, I’ve decided (after a massive pep talk from my Girl Kim) that I’m not doing too badly at everything else. I just need to give myself a break and realise how much my life has changed in the past year or 6 months even. I need to celebrate these changes and achievements and actually savour them before quickly moving on to the next one. Yes being ambitious and goal orientated is fab and something I’ll always tell people (especially women) to be but this shouldn’t come at the cost of your sanity and mental health. Sometimes it’s good to admit we don’t have it all figured out, our lives are far from being #GOALS, we’re struggling and we need some help or we simply need a time out.
I’m going to set myself a personal challenge (there goes that Type A personality again) and check myself every time I get a little too hard and down on myself. I’m also going to start writing a gratitude journal and list what I’m thankful for and I’m sure this will be a perfect way for me to focus on what I have and what I’ve achieved rather the things that I don’t feel I’m doing great at. I would also like to encourage you all to do this with me, and who knows maybe you’ll just find that the thing you’ve been stressing over isn’t that bad when pitted against the list of all your amazing achievements. I hope you don’t mind me using today’s post as a journal to do some much needed purging and if you do sorry. Hope you enjoyed the pretty pictures! X